For those who have been referred for a colonoscopy, or those who just enjoy following my experience (if there are even any of you that are still reading my grumps and groans), I hope that this will give a brief and useful insight into what exactly a colonoscopy is (with a little bit of Sean spirit added in for fun).
So I’m still ill and it was the consultant’s idea to have a colonoscopy. A colonoscopy is a test that allows your doctor to explore around the large intestine (rectum and colon). A thin flexible tube called a colonoscope is inserted in ……… well the backdoor passage.
I wouldn’t normally let a random guy do that but he was pretty polite and I’m still feeling shit so fuck it… Excuse the language.
A few things that a colonoscopy can detect are uclers, colon polyps, tumours, inflammation or bleeding. Samples can also be collected (biopsy) and abnormal growths can be removed. My consultant was mainly checking for microscopic colitis, which can only be seen through a microscope, so a biopsy was needed.
The day before my test I had to eat before 9am and after that I couldn’t touch any food what so ever.
They give you a list of foods to avoid for your breakfast (high fibre):
- Breakfast cereals
- Fruit or salad
- Bacon, sausages, black/white pudding
- Wholemeal or brown bread
- Baked beans
And some foods to eat:
-Water, fizzy drinks, fruit squash (NOT BLACKCURRANT)
Now after 9am or whatever time your letter says, you cannot eat any food, not even that Hobnob biscuit. PUT IT DOWN. Clear liquids from now up until after the test. Tea and coffee are fine but no milk or any liquids that can stain such as blackcurrant etc.
I was living on water, chamomile tea and a spoonful of honey just to keep my energy up. At 6pm is when I have to start drinking this horrid horrid stuff called moviprep (laxatives).
To make one dose of this vile stuff mix sachet A and sachet B with 1 litre of water, stir until the powder is completely dissolved, this takes 3-5 minutes. For the best possible taste (and trust me it still won’t taste better than piss), put it in the fridge one hour before you have to drink it. I made the mistake of drinking it at room temperature…what a stupid idea. It took an hour to drink because it was god damn awful. I would say that it only took half an hour to kick in.
Don’t worry, you won’t poo yourself, you know when it’s coming.
It’s very important that you continue to drink plenty of fluids after each batch of moviprep, oh yes that’s right, there’s one more batch to drink. So charge that phone/tablet ready for your toilet breaks and after it slows down you might want to start getting ready for bed for what awaits in the morning.
In the morning of the test DON’T FORGET THAT YOU CAN’T EAT!!! You really don’t want to have to do it all again.
The laxatives were still working just before my test and I was in and out of the toilet like a yo-yo so if that happens to you it’s absolutely normal and if you’re not still on the loo in the morning then lucky you.
Sitting in the waiting room in my cool little boxers with a hole in the back, my name is called. I lie on the bed and get into the foetal position. I opted for a sedation thankfully. I stayed awake and watched on the screen. I told myself I wouldn’t but the screen was right there, tempting me. The only uncomfortable bits were when they filled the intestine with air and took some of the biopsies, apart from that I didn’t feel much.
If for any reason you need a colonoscopy don’t stress or worry about it like I did, it’s really not that bad. The worst part is drinking that bloody moviprep…
Until the next time,